Monday, December 20, 2010

Things I Hate (The Christmas Edition)

1. "Happy Holidays"- I don't care if you are a Christian, Jewish, or whatever. Say what you mean dangit. Grow some balls and tell me Happy Hanukkah, Or Merry Christmas, Or Happy Festivus. Just tell me what you mean and skip the Happy Holidays Bull S#!T.

2. Christmas Music- I loathe Christmas Music. Of any kind. I tolerate Run DMC Christmas In Hollis. Any song that starts off "Its Christmas Time in Hollis Queens; Moms cooking Chicken and Collard Greens" is all right by me. You can keep the grandma getting run over and I don,t care how red Rudolph's nose gets nor does it matter that you want a damn hippopotamus. Oh and if you have children singing Christmas Carols. I WILL throw something.

3. Mannheim Steamroller- GARBAGE. For some reason, my dad's generation thinks that it is cool to have electronically enhanced synth music. I think that this is the sound that a headache would make if it actually had a voice.

4. X-Mas- If you are gonna take out something from the word Christmas take out the damn 'mas'. Leave Christ in there. I mean he really is the reason for the season. Do you think some other deity would allow us to have the whole world calendar based on something else. I mean think about it. If Buddha was really God then he wouldn't allow us to have a calendar that counts the years that some other guy (Jesus) has been alive. Leave CHRISTmas how it is. I will accept ChristX as the new abbreviation for Christmas.

5. Salvation Army- You know some of those "BellRingers' wont even tell you Merry Christmas unless you donate to them. A$$#@!es.

6. Nice People- This may seem weird but don't be nice to me just cause its Christmas time. Be nice year round. I mean don't get me wrong, I enjoy you being nice and all but don't just set aside a week to do it.

Okay thats about it. Merry Christmas to all of you out there. I hope you have a wonderful time with friends and family. Now on to the feats of strength.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Its a Long Story

Last Monday I went to my regular Doctor because my ankle was hurting and I had an infected ingrown toe nail (I know... gross). Anyway, I walked back to my room and had the regular physical. You know, checking temperature, pulse and blood pressure. Well the lady had the sphygmomanometer and checked my blood pressure. She looked at me and asked if I was feeling funny I said no and she checked it again. She told me that she was getting 160/120 and that it had to be the inferior cuff. I thought nothing of it. She left the room for a second and when she returned she said the Doctor wanted me to go to the machine to take my blood pressure. So we walked up front. At this point she asked if I needed a wheel chair. Mind you at this point my ankle and toe are hurting. Nothing else. Any way I walked up front and the machine (T-1000) took my blood pressure getting just about the same results. So once again I walked back to my room. They told me to lie down and she let the little doctor bed/chair hybrid back. She left the room and I changed chairs. Figuring that it was only a suggestion. At this point I notice that they are acting funny so I call my wife to come and sit with me. She drops off Jasper with the grand parents and came up to the Doctor with my daddy in tow. Well back to my story. By this time the nurse lady comes back and fusses at me for not laying down. She gives me a pill to take. So now the doctor comes in and talks to me and tells me she wants me to go the hospital for the night for observation. This means to go to the hospital for the night so that we can prevent you from getting a good night sleep. Well I decided to go by and see my little boy first so we drove home and I also packed a bag.
I get to the hospital and get all poked and prodded all night. I see my doctor and he orders labs and x rays and such. So we do that. The next morning I get brought my breakfast. It was bland. I ate some of it. Well the doctor tells me he wants me to go that day to do a stress test. So Lezlie comes and picks me up. We stop by the house again for me to see my little man and head north to Macon. On the way we stop by and get some lunch from Chic-fil-a. It was great since I had a shitty breakfast and no lunch. I get to the Medical Center in Macon and go for my stress test. Well they ask me when I last ate. I politely informed them that I had a delicious chic-fil-a on the way up here. They were not happy. I came straight out and told them that I was pissed that they were sending me home. They sympathized but I still had to come the next morning. So we go back home. Get up early the next morning and drive back to Macon. I get there and we begin my stress test. Step one sit and wait. Step two IV. Step three inject Nigel with Nuclear medicine. That just sounded cool. Step four go and lay on this machine and let it take pictures of me while I listen to the 'effin black eyed peas and some other lame bands. Step five. Walk (with a still hurting ankle and toe) on a tread mill while some skinny bitch tries to kill me. Step six go back and get more pictures of my heart and listen to crappy music. Step seven remove IV. Well we drove home after that and were told to await results. On the way home I get a call telling me that there is an abnormality on my results. Well no shit remember my ankle and toe hurts. So they want to do a heart cath the next morning.
We wake up at 4:30 to head to Macon the next morning and I go on back. They remove all of my unnecessary body hair, this is a time consuming event. Next some nurse comes and starts talking and being all sweet and junk. Whatever. Well they put in an IV again. They go through all the talking and stuff while I watch TV. There was a really interesting thing on about Jack the Ripper but nurse lady wouldn't shut up so I could watch it. Then they take me back. I talk to the doctor who is about three feet six inches tall (Seriously she had to stand on a stool to do the procedure). Then they give me drugs. WOW. I was awake during the procedure but I felt great. It was fun. I was telling jokes but neither the nurses nor the doctor had any sense of humor. I mean this stuff was good. Anyway. They do the cath and then wheel me back to my room. Then Dr. Shortlady comes in and tells me my heart is great and I have good strong arteries. So go home and just follow up with your regular doctor. That was that. I am now on some blood pressure medicine to keep my BP in check and I'm doing fine. My leg at the site of the incision is still tender and sore but otherwise fine. I would say that I'm alive and kickin' if my damn ankle and toe didn't hurt so damn bad.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Things I Hate

Hate is such a strong word but there is a list I keep of things that I hate. In no particular order they are as follows.

  • Tyler Perry: His movies are just plain horrible. I understand how comedy works. You tell one joke and then if its not that good you reference it later. That is how he has made his movies. He made one okay play then made a lot more of them telling the exact same joke. He sucks.
  • Gospel Music: I hate it. It just sounds like people yelling. Typically out of key.
  • Nickel Back: Oh my God that music is horrible. I have a problem with music that does not solicit emotion. This music is just cookie cutter music put out to make money. All of the songs generally sound the same. Use the same guitar chords and the same gravely Canadian Voice. This is just arena rock music. This is what Poison and Whitesnake would be if they were popular now. Its just music meant to make money. No artistic effort at all.
  • 2% Milk Velveeta Shells & Cheese: This is bull shit. Buy the real thing.
  • Sheets that come off the bed: My wife calls me a sheet Nazi. I literaly will not sleep if the sheets come off of the bed. I will toss and turn and finally get up and pull the sheets to where they need to be.
  • Onions: Dont get me wrong they have a great flavor. I just cant tolerate the texture.
  • Cheap Toilet Paper: That extra dollar you spend really is worth it. Just like aluminum foil.
  • Men that give us all a bad name: Ass holes.
  • Ford Mustangs: The problem with Ford Mustangs are that the people who drive them think that they are driving a Ferrari. Your car cost a fraction of what a sports car cost. You have the honda accord of sports cars. Idiots.
Thats about it. Tell me what you hate.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


My mama has many stories about me. One where I hid by the bathroom door and quietly told her to shut up. When confronted about this I simply told My mama that the wall said "shut up". Another story is when she would often find me hidden behind the couch with a bottle of chloraseptic just spraying it in my mouth. The other story that she tells me is that when we would go to WalMart, I would rather go down the shoe aisle than the toy aisle. That brings me to this blog. Shoes. I love them. Whether they be $3000.00 Italian Leather shoes from A. Testoni or $30.00 Converse All Stars. I usually wear either my Chucks, my Nike AirMax or My Georgia Boots. Those are my three shoes you can usually catch me in. Now with that said I have my checkerboard vans that are just dirty enough. I also have my black with gold accents Asics. I have my black adidas with the three white stripes. Sometimes you will catch me in my grey pink and neon green Nike SB Dunks. I may have on my brown Sperrys in the summer time. Or even a pair of old flip flops. My mama always wears flip flops. No matter what the weather is she will have on a pair of flip flops. Now my daddy, thats a different story.
Daddy has never had much. Even as an adult he never cared what designer made his shirts ties or shoes. I also have witnessed him wear a pair of JC Penny shoes until there was a hole in them, then he would just regularly buy new insoles. Daddy wears a pair of lace up vans to cut the grass in. They dont have laces, but hes worn them so long that they don't even give a little. Its like a glove.
I know you may think this is all post about shoes, but its more about filling shoes. If you've ever met my dad, you know within one minute of talking to him that he is a great man. He's the man that everybody knows. He's the man that has no enemies. He's the man that taught me what it means to be a man. My friends look up to him and will occasionally ask his opinion about things rather than talking to their own parents. He's the type of guy I want to be. He has taught me everything, how to tie a neck tie, how to iron pants, how to mow the grass, how to ride a bike, how to cook, how to clean. Now this in no way takes away from my wonderful mother who also has taught me many many things, its just about him now.
Daddy is the glue that holds our family together. I am a better man because he is in my life. He will probably never read this and thats okay. He knows I love him and he doesn't need the praise. Oh well I'm rambling now, but the picture above says it all. Daddy once told me when I was younger that there wasn't anything I could do that wouldn't get back to him. He was right. The picture above is one of my favorites. Its me and my beautiful son playing at the beach, and in the background is Daddy watching over his boys. Its so good to have him in my life. Love you Diddy.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

New Job

For those of you who are unaware, I have a new job. I am no longer employed with Middle Flint E-911 any longer. I am now the Director of Educational Services with the Flint River Chapter of the American Red Cross. I did take a slight pay cut to take this job and don't have the same benefit package but with this job I am home with my wife almost every single night and I get to watch my son grow up. I am extraordinarily happy. My job is to coordinate and organize classes for a 16 county region. I do have goals that I have to meet. I also have my own office. I don't have as much time to blog right now but I promise I will as soon as I can. Also if you want a class email me at

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Bucket List

Last Halloween my buddy Dennis and I were talking about his bucket list. I laughed at him for creating one. This was my defiant I am in my 20's and bulletproof. Well now I am in my 30's and it doesn't seem like such a bad idea. I had to set my parameters for my list. First off I would limit it to ten items. Secondly, I would also make it so I don't have to be a millionaire to accomplish these things. So I guess here goes my bucket list.
1. Spend a week in New York City. I know a week isn't a long time but I am not a city boy so a week will suffice
2. Spend a week in California. Notice I don't limit myself to just a city this time. The main reason for this one is In-N-Out burger. I have to have this.
3. Ride a Jet ski. I never have and I really want to.
4. Visit Japan. No time limit on this one who knows I could be the next phenomenon White Thunder the American Sumo wrestler.
5. Own a Motorcycle. Not some crotch rocket but a damn motorcycle. There are several that I like but the Rune is my favorite.
6. Graduate from college. This is one that is very important to me. As soon as my wife graduates, then I don't care if I gotta work at McDonald's flipping burgers I will be a full time student.
7. Drive a 1969 Dodge Charger down a dirt road. I don't have to explain anything to anybody.
8. Acquire something to pass down to my son. This could be his grandfathers Bible, It could be his great grandfathers collection of cuff links. I want somthing that I can pass down to him that he will respect and enjoy. In a perfect world it would be a Omega Seamaster, but like I said earlier I don't want to have to be a millionaire.
9. Illustrate a children's book. This is something that I have always wanted to do.
10. Own a bespoke suit. Or two or three.

Well there you have it. I am not ashamed of a single thing on my list and I hope I can achieve them all. If you want to help in any way please feel free. I hope everyone reading this takes time to write their own expectations of their life. As you can see I have never been a rich man and I don't anticipate becoming one anytime soon but most of these things I can accomplish without the use of large amounts of money.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Vacationing 2.1

The picture above represents 100% of my past vacations. From 1980-2008 this was what I expected. To be at a beach and to relax. That was my only goal. In 2009 something changed. Our two person family grew to a three person family. Now in 2009 we were unable to take a vacation due to having a baby that was just a couple of months old. This year we attempted the vacation. It was beautiful we went to a gorgeous beach stayed at a wonderful condo and had a great time. The only hitch was that the baby didn't realize that it was vacation. He still went to bed at 830 and woke up at 7. He did everything he did at the house just on vacation. He took his regular 10 and 2 o'clock naps no matter what. I guess I should be happy because we were fortunate enough to go on vacation and all that jazz. But man we coulda saved some money. Yes he really enjoyed the beach, he loved the pool but his favorite part was having all of his "people" close together and getting to see them everyday. Now I'm not bitching or anything in fact I would do it all over again. I just wish someone would have warned me that I'd only be having a half of a vacation. Lots of beach no relaxation. In all honesty I had a wonderful time and am sad to be back home. I am very fortunate to have been able to go on vacation and to spend time with my family.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Lucky SOB

I am lucky. I have some of the best people in my life. I know Imp not the easiest person to put up with all the time. I do have my diva moments, but I do have the best people in the world around me. First and foremost is my wife. She is my best friend. She knows every single button to push to make me madder than a hornet and most of the times, she doesn’t push them. I love every second I am around her. Secondly are my mom and dad. They are the type of people, as I am, that if they have something and you need it, then you can have it. They are giving and full of love. Thirdly is my sister. She, aside from my wife, is the person that knows me the best. She is a beautiful strong confidant aunt, sister, fiancĂ© (to Scott) and daughter. Last but certainly not least are my dear friends, my brothers.

Where do I start with them? I cant go in any particular order so I will just do this randomly. My oldest friend is Jarrod. He and I have been friends since I was about two years old. His mother would come and have my mom cut her hair. We would of course play together. Jarrod and I have watched each other grow into men. We have both been their when each of our children were born. We’ve been there through the good and the bad. Jarrod was my best man at my wedding, and if Lezlie and I got married again today he would still be my best man.

I guess we will discuss Chip next. Chip is Bizzaro Nigel. Everything that I am, Chip is the opposite (well not everything). I am passive aggressive, Chip is not. I am horrible with money, Chip is not. I am not an athlete, at all. Chip is. For these reasons, Chip is the God-father to my child. I want my child to learn everything. There are things that I can’t teach him. Hopefully Chip can.

My friend Brian is one of the kindest friends that I have. Brian reminds me so much of my own parents. Brian is the guy that will put his all into anything he does. He loves his wife intensely. He loves his friends and family just as much. He is the one you can talk too about anything, he may not give advice but he will listen. He is not the type to make you feel bad about anything. He is my most loving friend.

One friend is like my little brother. He is a transplant from California but quickly established his place in our group. Jeremy has been here for about five or six years now. Jeremy is the one I share with the most. He knows all my secrets. He is my take care of business friend. He is the one I can call on if I truly need anything.

Jason Foster is a nomad. He travels around lighting in a place for a little while and then he gets a notion and packs up and leaves. Jason is the friend that is most like me. We share similar interests in many things. I enjoy having him around and am sad to see him go. Jason will be missed as he travels to New Orleans. Jason is the guy that is content to sit around the house watching what ever and just as at ease in a crowded bar. Jason does not lose his cool, at least not on the surface.

Now I have intentionally left people out. This is just phase one. These are the guys that have done or will do me the honor of writing to my son. When we found out we were pregnant with Jasper, I thought it would be a good idea to journal and log the events and milestones of his life. This has turned into something else. It has turned into me imparting wisdom to my son, something that he may learn from if anything ever happens to me. During the course of this I decided that I was not enough for my son. I didn’t learn every single thing from my father, what makes me think that Jasper will learn all he needs to know through me. This is when I asked the men I respected most in this world to help me raise my child. They have all been gracious enough to write in Jaspers book for me, each of them imparting a bit of wisdom to my son. For that I am beyond grateful. Now this isn’t all I plan. I have many more friends that I intend to get to write for Jasper. I know they will. So Richard, Dennis Ledford, Dennis Proulx , Dylan, Bill, and Brad, get ready to write gentlemen.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Raising a Superhero

I have a 13 month old human tornado. He has the ability to toddle through a room and leave it in utter destruction. He leaves no drinking glass unturned nor magazine un-ripped. Good news for him though. I have prepared for this my whole life. I figured that if I didn't have super powers then it was only natural for my progeny to have them. I feel somewhat like Jonathan Kent. I have to teach him how to control these abilities. The downside to Jaspers new abilities are that he does not know how to yet. I guess thats where child rearing comes in. I get to determine, to an extent how I want this child to turn out. Here is my theory. If I teach him baseball he will undoubtedly hate the dreaded sport in his adult life. My theory is to teach him opposite of what I want him to like. At least thats what made me who I am. Just kidding. In all seriousness I want to raise my child to be kind first and foremost, loving, gracious, funny, patient, confident, and most importantly, a nerd. Now that word has some bad connotation. A nerd is a person, in my opinion, who haves a thorough knowledge or extreme interest in particular things. I am a proud nerd. I have already started the process of making Jasper a nerd. He has several and I mean several super hero tee shirts, just like his mama and daddy. He has already been to the comic book shop with me several times. And he already has a favorite super hero. I don't know what kind of nerd Jasper will be. He may be a comic book nerd, he may be a technology nerd, he may be a sports nerd (these are the worst kind). I plan to prepare him mentally for his job as a super hero. He has to be sharp as a tack, fortunately for us, he already is. He also has to know when to use his superpowers. We also have to prepare him when we find out what his weakness is. Right now its his temper. Its going to be a long road but I know that his mom and I can do it. Its gonna be a fun adventure with him. I hope with all this training that Jasper can be the best super hero around. I also hope his nerd training helps conceal his secret identity.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Saying Good Bye

Attention!!: This is not a funny blog or have anything in it that will make you smile. Plain and simple this blog is about me putting down my much loved canine companion. Feel free to read but consider yourself warned.

Let me set the stage. Early winter probably around 1994. I was a chubby 14 year old kid. The cold air was making my breath visible during the early morning hours. Just before dawn I set out with my grand father with a deer rifle in hand. This would be the morning I killed my first deer. We had on all our gear and were in the deer stand when I saw the first one. I held my breath as two more came out. My grandfather was waiting on me to take the shot. I raised my rifle slowly. I put the cross hairs right on the spot my grandfather had told me. I waited and started squeezing the trigger. Then something happened. I brought the barrel of the rifle up about an inch and finished squeezing the trigger. The blast was defining. I remember the sound of me letting out all the air in my lungs. I remember watching my grandfather as he watched three perfect deer gallop out of sight. I also remember the thoughts running through my mind the seconds before the deer appeared. I had no use to kill them. I had no use for their meat or hide. Why would I kill this animal.
This year on Memorial Day I went back to that field. This time I had a different gun in my hand. This time it was substantially more difficult to pull the trigger. It wasn't for the meat or the hide but for a different reason I pulled the trigger. I was quite possibly the hardest thing I ever did. I had to put my loyal and friendly dog Stella down.
I wish I could say that it was because she was old and just not able to enjoy life any more, but that wasn't the case. Stella was a beautiful pure bred American Pit Bull Terrier. She was trained and socialized at an early age. She never showed any signs of aggression. My wife and I got her right before my 28th birthday. She was our baby. We loved her and took her everywhere. We took her with us when we moved to the farm where she loved it. She could run around all day and ride all over in the back of my truck. She had her puppies at the farm. This was her home. When we moved into the city. It was difficult for her to adjust. There were new dogs that she was introduced to and socialized with. One in particular to whom she was very submissive. But one day this Alpha male dog came into our yard while Lezlie was pushing Jasper in the swing. Stella felt the need to protect Lezlie and Jasper from that dog. There was a horrible fight between Stella and this dog. Stella was victorious. She had thoroughly defeated the Alpha Male. I wish I could say that her fighting days were over. Now having a taste for blood (literally) Stella began to fight the other dogs in the neighborhood and also began to growl at the neighbors. All the while letting little Jasper crawl all over her when we brought them together. She never made a whimper when Jasper would pull all of her hair out. But when she was outside with other dogs she was a different animal.
On this Memorial day the same dog came back into the yard. The fight was horrible. Stella was the aggressor this time and there were many other dogs with her all against this dog. I ran to the bed room and retrieved my hand gun. I fired two shots into the ground which dispersed the other dogs leaving just Stella, un-phased. She fought with such ferocity. Thats when the thought of little Jasper ran to my mind. What if he were out here during this just wanting to play with his Stella. If a gun shot didn't phase her how could a little boy's cry? It was at this moment my mind was made up. I finally got her away from that dog. We rode in my truck for the last time. I took her to the same field where 16 years ago my grandfather wanted me to kill. I did just that. I do miss her tremendously. But that vision I had of my beautiful little boy wobbling toward his Stella while she was in a fight. I hope to keep that just a vision.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Old Man River

I know to some thirty years old isn't that old but for me, its my whole life. Thirty officially makes me an adult. Ive fought this kicking and screaming. Never in my life have I wanted to be grown up. I still don't. But dammit if this world isn't making me. There are a lot of little things about being an adult that Im still not sure about. Like for one. Do I now call other adults by their name and not with their title. For example my wife's uncle. My wife has always called him Uncle Charlie. Well you see me and her uncle get along very well, but I have never called him anything. Nothing. Ive never called him Charlie, Ive never called him Mr. Charlie, and Ive never called him Uncle Charlie. Simply because I don't know what the hell to call him. The same goes for my Mother in law. My father refers to his mother in law lovingly as 'Mama'. Now dont get me wrong I do love my mother in law, we're just not on that level yet. Also in a more professional setting. Some of my friends are becoming teachers and the kids that I teach Lifeguarding to call them by their teacher name. For example, Chris Barr becomes Mr. Barr. Now Ive attempted to make bombs (literally) with Chris and do other stupid things. I mean I call the man Papa Smurf because one summer at the pool the guy accidentally spilled blue dye on his crotch causing a certain part of his anatomy to turn blue for a day or two. How am I supposed to call this guy Mr. Barr to keep up his professional image when I know all of this. Bologna! Even my old college professors. I have found one of my old professors on FaceBook and through this social website, she and I have developed a new relationship. Not of educator and student but as friends. Once again Ive come to the dilemma of what to call her. While I was a student I called her by her title. Do I still do that??? Thirty is confusing. All I know is that when I turn 40 I'm just making up nick names and calling people that.
Another problem with having to be an adult is all this bull shit about being civil in public. Jesus Christ!!! I mean I have always been quasi-well behaved, but now its expected. That is depressing. I mean yes I am a husband and a father so people expect a certain something out of that. Some people think that when a man gets married then he has calmed down enough for a woman to be around him for the rest of her life. Boy are they wrong. I am still a 13 year old kid. But im getting off track. Im supposed to be in certain social circles, Im supposed to drink certain drinks. I'm supposed to drive certain cars and dress in certain ways. That is the last thing I want. All I wanna do is play video games, go to the movies, read comic books, watch movies, play with swords outside, shoot guns, and oh yeah love my wife and play with my son. Thats it Ive decided just now. Thats what I'm doing. But I guess I gotta add all that grown up stuff too like going to work and paying bills and cutting the grass and washing the dishes and vacuuming. But by God when the word "poop" stops making me laugh just shoot me.


Saturday, May 29, 2010


I don't know what I want out of this. I don't know if I want this blog just to showcase what I'm into at this moment or chronicle any tidbit of my life. I like the idea of it being like Kanye West's blog and just keeping track of what I think is hot right now. So for now lets go with that. Lemme see, recently downloaded music. Now with some of this I haven't even listened to yet and some I have its just what I downloaded. Today I have downloaded the new Stone Temple Pilots album. I am looking forward to listening to it and seeing what I like. I also downloaded the B.o.B. album. titled The Adventures of Bobby Ray. This album features several artists such as Eminem, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer and Hayley Williams from the band Paramore, who also have a relatively new album out called Brand New Eyes. This was a really good album with a more mature sound from the band that has tracks featured on the Twilight soundtrack.
Now movies/videos that I have gotten. Once again I haven't watched all of these yet so for some I have no review. The BBC documentary Life. I am really psyched about watching this show because I loved Planet Earth. Another movie I just got was The Road. I am excited about it as well. Its based on the Cormac McCarthy Novel by the same name. He is the one that wrote No Country for Old Men which is one of my all time favorite movies. Thats pretty much all for now I guess thats pretty much how this is how its gonna go so enjoy.